You held my heart, 
Your hand at my throat. 
A woman— 
I thought, 
Maybe I’ll get to know. 

You seemed nice, kind, 
Not my type, 
Not something I’d ever mind. 
But you were his. 
His type. 
I wish, he’d told me so.  

I heard his stories— 
Your lofty adventures, 
Of childhoods and schools, 
The paths that you crossed 
All the star-crossed lovers of your past. 

“You were friends,” I said, 
Gut coiling in discomfort. 
“You were friends. 
You could be mine.” 
I could try, I did… try 

I laughed at your jokes, 
Shared pictures, gifted clothes, 
Blurring the lines, 
Living my delusion, 
Redefining close. 

Et tu, Brute? 

I want to scream, 
At this dagger in my spine 
At the lips that plotted with me 
While conquering what’s mine. 
To think, his hands that now touch me 
Were first dipped in your purgatory. 

We were crumbling. I know. 
Holding together. 
Falling apart. 
Yet, you had no right. 
 
‘cause I let you roam my gardens, 
But you feasted on my wine, 
Sitting at his feet, 
Biding your time. 
Pretending, if I never knew 
You hadn’t stolen 
What’s mine. 

Do you know what it’s like? 
To feel like you can’t breathe 
As you choke on a name 
That dances on his lips? 
To think of a friend 
And see bludgeons of red? 
To feel like the devil 
For wishing you were dead? 
Better if you never even existed. 

I know, I do 
Cause when I look into his eyes. 
I wonder if you watched him— 
As he carried you to paradise. 

Maybe I’ll forgive you, 
Maybe when I die, 
But not as long as I’m alive 
To see your shadow in his eyes. 

Glossary:

1. “Et tu, Brute?” – Meaning: You too, Brutus?; Reference: A phrase used to symbolize betrayal. It’s said to have been the words spoken by Julius Caeser when he was stabbed to death by Brutus who was one of his closest friends (who along with other councilmen had plotted & executed the murder of Caeser).
2. Bludgeons – Meaning: To hit someone repeatedly with a heavy object.