That bag in front of me, it’s the same, I’m sure of it
I mean, his hair, I can see it - it’s him
Breath heaving, heart racing -
like a train flying off its rails

He turns. I breathe again. 
Not him. Just a stranger.
As relief, overflowing relief, 
Fills my shaking body

Slowly, my mind sets in, 
Brain cells, functioning,
telling me I’m stupid, 
My fear – dysfunctional

The past can’t hurt you
Oh, but it does. Not every day, 
Not a constant pain.
But it catches up to me. 

Without warning, screaming at me,
‘Have you no shame?’

A lion clawing its prey, 
It leaps out of nowhere

Suddenly – 
I’m her again

Helpless, and scared, 
Confused. Terrified.
Ashamed…

I tell myself, I’m over it
I fool myself on most days
After all, I’m angry, I’m furious
Ain’t I?

I imagine - stabbing my abuser – 
On those better days
Think of creative ways
To calm that simmering rage

Feeling a sort of redemption, 
a little braver when I think of it.

But then, 
there’s a stranger. 
Another bus stop.
Another bag.
Another guy, and I’m taken back.
Another reminder of the past. 
Another panic attack.
 
I’ve fled to a different city. 
A different state.
A different country.
Running far far away, 
but I can never escape

This trepidation in my bones,
this frailty in my heart

And I have to ask -
Does it ever end?